You feel like someone
Has cut out your heart
There is an empty cavity
You feel no love
Your days are dark
Without the light
That only love shines
The occasional memories
Are like lightning
Only there for a second
Leaving you worse than before
Thoughts about it
Are like thunder
Reminding you how
Far away it is
The emptiness
Is like rain
Drowning you
You must find a
way to change this
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Georgie! Welcome to YWS, I'm June.
I think that you have a decent idea here, and with a bit of work, it can work. However, as it is now, I think it's pretty rough, and could use a touch of improvement.
To begin, I personally don't really enjoy love poems. Some of them are well-written, and enjoyable, but more often than not, metaphors for love are overused, duly presented, and generally not as interesting as they could be.
The usage of the /you/ message tones down the power of the poem, dear. This is because third person and first person are stronger; first person is one person's experience, and if we can't relate, that's fine because it's how they felt. Third person is very generic-- it could be about someone else specifically. But second person is direct to the audience. You're not especially leaving room for us to have feelings. You're telling us how to feel.
If you were to remove all of the line breaks here, dear, this would read more like a paragraph. Poetry is about the words, using them metaphorically without blatantly stating that it is a metaphor. It's the words that build the poem, not the structure.
I didn't really like the similes here. They can work, but they feel too common, too overused as if we've read this before. The poem is a little hard to grasp, dear, because it's not clear whose pain we're witnessing in this.
With a bit of work, I think that you can go places with this poem. Try not to state obviously, but rather state through words that will represent emotion.
Good luck! If you have any questions, PM me, please.
Keep writing!
June